Here, we rundown those you never want to get matched with in either a public or a ranked game. Unfortunately, if you've played Dota 2 for any amount of time, the chances of you not running into these types of players are less than GabeN saying the number "3" out loud.
This is a designed as an exercise in folly. If the Boots of Speed fits, however, you might want to take time for introspection, contemplation, and staring at yourself blankly in the mirror.
1. The Wardless Maiden
When you choose a role, then you need to stick with it. This is a very simple rule of Dota 2 matchmaking, but it is one that many choose to ignore. One of the worst types of Dota 2 players is those who pick a PO5 support role, just to ruin the game for everyone by refusing to buy wards or any other type of support item.
This type of player will generally choose the support role, choose a support hero, then fight their PO1 carry for last hits, buy a Desolator with, for example, Crystal Maiden, and proceed to lose the match in spectacular fashion.
Sir Action Slacks as Crystal Maiden (Picture: Valve)
2. Mid or Feed
Mid or Feed has been around before the dawn of man, or at the very least before Icefrog was born. In public matchmaking, especially during all-pick, this type of Dota 2 player decides he/she wants to play in the Mid role. If this doesn't happen, or someone else has already been chosen for the position, all hell breaks loose.
How does one stop such a force of nature? The short answer is: You have a better chance of never meeting a Mid or Feed in a public match, then you have to get GabeN to say the number "three".
3. Wannabe DJ
We have no problems with DJs, and it is no secret Dota 2 players can mute voice chat. However, the Wannabe DJ can ruin the voice chat function for everyone. You can often hear someone just play their music of choice (sometimes it is actually quite good), at high volume.
This interferes with team communication, especially when it is very much needed in Ranked matches. You can't communicate with the Wannabe DJ at all, which results in teammates having to type out messages, losing precious seconds in hectic situations.
All the Wannabe DJ needs to realise is not everyone enjoys Death Metal or Celine Dion at full blast. Most of us actually want to hear what our teammates are saying, to, you know, win the match.
4. Sir Pro-a-Lot
There are some types of Dota 2 players who need to realise one simple fact: You can't always pull off what the pros do. After The International 2019, when OG used Anathan "ana" Pham playing IO (not a carry hero, by any stretch) as PO1 carry, it was amazing to watch. However, this also had an effect on public, low-ranked Dota 2 matches.
Many players thought they could replicate OG's plays, and they failed horribly, over and over again. This is where Sir Pro-a-Lot comes in. A player who thinks they are pro, and can do what the pros do, without any noticeable skill level. Sir Pro-a-Lot can be found in a public match near you, throwing out intricate tactics, and plans, which they don't understand themselves.
Repeat this: I am not Ana (Picture: Valve)
5. The Foreign Force
Dota 2 has servers in just about every language possible, and for every region. Heck, there are even South African servers, something which quite a few other games lack. The Foreign Force, however, doesn't care if the server is clearly marked for the English language.
This type of player refuses to speak English on an English server, and that's not okay. It gets even worse if two players join a match together, and they just continue to speak in their native language, leaving others to wonder what they are saying.
Don't get us wrong, there is no issue with players speaking their native language. However, one should join a server for your language then, or try to at least not spam voice chat if you have no other option.
6. Not Mr Robot
Not Mr Robot is the exact opposite of Rami Malek's character Elliot Alderson in the TV series, Mr Robot. With absolutely no technical knowledge, things can get turned upside down quickly while gaming on a PC.
Not Mr Robot always has some form of issue, from his/her mouse cursor not working properly, to complaining about low FPS even though he/she has "a monster PC", and much more. This type of Dota 2 player is generally useless, as technical issues keep coming up.
Sure, everyone has technical issues from now and then, but Not Mr Robot has them every single game, yet he/she refuses to stop queuing for more matches, thereby ruining the experience for others.
7. Private Ryan
Have you ever played with someone who just jumps into the enemy team to fight, over and over again? Sure you have, and so has everyone else in the Dota 2 community. Private Ryan is one of the types of Dota 2 players that can ruin your match.
This player continues to get themselves into sticky situations, without backup. The rest of the team is on babysitting duty for the entirety of the match, especially if Private Ryan is a PO1 or PO2 carry. To make matters worse, Private Ryan will scream "where were you guys?" after he/she dies at the enemy fountain 10 minutes into the game.
Not even Tom Hanks can save this Ryan (Picture: Paramount)
8. Captain Obvious
Captain Obvious is a strange creature indeed, as this is one of those types of Dota 2 players who can come from all skill levels. What Captain Obvious does, is obviously, state the obvious...
This continues throughout a Dota 2 match, from "they've got first blood" (as if the game doesn't tell you this...) as well as "we are behind", or "they are pushing the barracks". Captain Obvious is relatively harmless, but if you already have one or more of the types of Dota 2 players in this list in the same match, then you are in for fireworks, chat spam, and simply a bad time.
9. Sergeant Oblivious
Since a Sergeant is a lower rank than Captain, we have old Sergeant Oblivious lower on the list, because this is how things work now. Sergeant Oblivious is the type of player who has no clue what's going on in a match. Maybe Sergeant Oblivious is the only type of player who really needs a Captain Obvious around to give him/her orders.
Sergeant Oblivious will often be found farming away in a safe lane or neutral creep camps, while the team is getting obliterated elsewhere. Worst of all, Seargent Oblivious normally asks something along the lines of "what happened, why are we losing?" at the end of a match, rubbing salt into the wounds of players who actually tried winning.
10. The Know-it-All
Every esport has the Know-it-All, and every other player in a match will probably go bonkers after the first 30 minutes. The Know-it-All is one of those types of Dota 2 players that simply will never shut up, spouting statistics, strategies, and lane matchups as if they grew out of Icefrog's armpit.
The Know-it-All will, on multiple occasions, question every player's item, talent, and playstyle choices. While knowledge is something the Know-it-All has in spades, he/she, for the most part, lacks skill. While telling everyone what to do, the Know-it-All generally tries but fails in their own role. The inevitable end-of-match message in all chat reads: "my team are a bunch of noobs".
Not an actual image of the Know-it-All (Picture: Comedy Central)
These are the types of Dota 2 players you probably never want to get matched with, not ever. If you've played Dota 2 for any significant amount of time, you've probably run into most (if not all) of these types of players.
Maybe, just maybe, you've read this entire article, and you are fuming, as one of these types of Dota 2 players might sound a lot like you. If this is the case, our thoughts go out to those who queue in the matchmaker the same time you do.